How do you feel when someone asks you: “Are
you out?” Is it a simple yes/no question for you or does it bring up painful
issues and/or memories that, depending on your answer, could result in either a
sense of satisfaction or one of shame? Are you one of those who can immediately
respond in the affirmative with a great sense of pride and relief, or are you
perhaps still feeling trapped and isolated within the clutches of the closet?
In discussions I have had with people on this topic, whether they were online
strangers or dear friends, one thing that I’ve come to realise, and something
that surprises me, is the little consideration the closet seems to receive. For
the most part, it seems to me that generally people accept that they are either
in or out of the closet and ultimately believe that the goal should be a
closet-free life. I don’t necessarily disagree, but I wonder about this uniquely bizarre
phenomenon that is The Closet. I confess that at times I have felt as confused
about my relationship with the closet as I have my own sexuality and, like with
all things, I have pondered and analysed it consistently over the course of my
life.
It is worth mentioning initially that the
closet is not real but imagined and, though it is not a real thing, this does
not prevent it from having real effects in the world. It is, ultimately,
nothing more than a social construct, made by the public and yet strangely
experienced on an individual level. It is both public and private… When I was
younger, I never understood why everyone simply spoke of it but only I had to
deal with it. Why were all these people telling me about it, along with its
nature and its function, when most of these people were completely oblivious to
what it actually meant to exist within that space? It was a straight person who
first informed me about the closet, and how LGBTQ people lived within it until
they came out, an experience usually described as liberating and wonderful.
That’s all well and good, but why the hell was I put there in the first place?
I can appreciate the rite of passage that the coming out process has become,
but I still resent the fact that everyone put me in this place which everyone
then expects me to leave. As if that weren’t absurd enough, they then go so far
as to suggest that my profound happiness depends on it. I suppose what really
bothered me about the whole thing was that it was never something I chose.
Like orientation, the closet is not
something we choose – for most of us, we are born into the closet just as we
are born LGBTQ, or rather because we
are born LGBTQ, so the two appear to go hand in hand. The only real choice
involves how we relate to the fact: we can choose to embrace or despise our
orientations just as we can choose to remain in or remove ourselves from the
closet, and in many ways these can be linked or even the same, for embracing
your orientation could be equal to or necessarily involve coming out of the
closet. It might be important to acknowledge that the link does not always
exist though, as someone might accept their orientation and thus come out of
the closet but still harbour deep resentment or ill feelings towards that
orientation and ultimately one’s self, and of course one might embrace one’s
orientation and yet still not be able to reveal it to certain people in one’s
life. Of course, I acknowledge that there are exceptions: people who claim to
have never been born in the closet at all; people who, whether through their
voices or their styles or their mannerisms, etc. appear obvious (based on stereotypes and perceptions, though) and so cannot
successfully hide in the closet; even better are those people who, having had
such loving families and wonderful environments in which they grew up, never
knew of or had to deal with the problem of the closet and the difficulties that
came with it and the consequent decision about coming out of it. For the most
part, I envy these people, and I suspect the latter are those rarest of exceptions
and the majority of us do indeed experience time in the closet and the problem
of how each of us can escape it.
While so many people insist that coming out
is the only real choice – at least, the only one that allows for a happy and
fulfilled life – I think many people will accept that this is not necessarily
so for everyone, especially given certain circumstances. Aside from oppressive
families and equally oppressive religions (and by extension religious
communities as well, perhaps), consider those who might live in less… liberated
countries (I use this term reluctantly as even the States – the former
‘champion’ of freedom – can still harm and oppress its citizens despite its veil
of equality and liberty for all, as can be evidenced by the many rights it continues
to deny its LGBTQ people as well as other issues such as the current NDAA bill,
but I digress…). Consider the very real need for – as well as the safety and
thus greater good provided by – the closet in those countries in which being
LGBTQ is a crime. In this situation, the closet provides a service, one that
allows you to prevent persecution, possible bodily harm and in some extreme
cases even death. From this vantage point, it can be difficult to hate or
resent something that actually saves lives. Even in less extreme situations,
coming out of the closet can, and so often does, result in one being met with
hostility and also violence. When I reflect on all the suicides occurring due
to bullying, I find myself wondering how young LGBTQ people are supposed to
reconcile this dilemma: the notion that coming out is both liberating and
empowering yet at the same time is met with persecution and hatred. Those
people already out of closet, whether through their own choice or not,
experience that hatred to such an extent that it completely overshadows or
drowns out any sense of liberty or empowerment. Denied the impact of that
definitive moment of self-realisation, coupled with the weight of the
repercussions of not being defended by the closet, I can see how so many choose
such desperate alternatives…
The act of coming out, or the decision to
do so, can be completely different for you as it might be for someone else,
depending on the person you are, what you’ve been through, the family you have,
your religion, and a multitude of other factors. As I mentioned earlier, I
believe a person’s relationship with the closet is intensely personal and
everyone’s situation might be different. It is no simple thing to suggest that
one needs to do it and why this is so. Quite simply, I can see how the
possibility might exist that one might not need to do it. Depending on the
individual, coming out of the closet can be an act of escaping something
harmful while at the same time embracing something more positive, as is the
case for many that long for self-actualised freedom; however, coming out of the
closet could also mean exiting something safe and secure while at the same time
entering something more hostile and even dangerous. When given further thought
on the issue, one can see how it is both good and bad to stay within the
confines of the closet just as it is both good and bad to escape its clutches.
It seems to me that one has to realistically determine whether the good and the
bad is potential or certain, at least to the best of one’s ability, though this
in itself can be difficult due to fear. Assuming that can be successfully
achieved, balancing the good and the bad in each individual situation is perhaps
the best and only real way to decide whether coming out of the closet is the
right thing to do. So again I will say that I do not believe advising or even
encouraging someone to come out of the closet is a simple thing, or even the
correct thing, to do. Perhaps this is why I do not fully support things like Coming
Out Day, a concept in which I can see great beauty and promise, but also
tremendous tragedy. While it can be a means of comfort, support and even
strength to some, it can just as easily be a form of powerful pressure and
stress for others. It should always be said that one must always do what feels
right, and that everyone’s situation might be different. There is no simple
solution here. I do not believe there is always a clear-cut case of what is
good and what is bad, but rather one needs to acknowledge that such things can
be both good and bad and this is significant because it is more honest
and allows one to deal with the issue more realistically. Some people
experience devastating despair upon not achieving a greater happiness when
coming out of the closet due to the belief that being out is good and free and
the right thing to do. As with everything else, there is a grey area here, and
being out can be liberating and good, yes, but it can also be potentially or
even equally difficult and bad.
Less tangible concerns about the closet
relate to the problem of being either ‘in’ or ‘out’ and what this means to you
personally, regardless of external factors such as persecution or a lack of
acceptance from others. Most people believe that being in the closet is akin to
living a lie or a half-life and being out of the closet is synonymous with
being free and empowered. While this might be true in many ways, I suspect that
here too is a strange dichotomy at play, one in which either position is not so
distinct from the other. It seems to me that very few people really are
completely ‘in’ or ‘out’, as this is almost impossible to achieve. What I mean
is that the closet is not a doorway through which you walk and from which you
never look back; rather it is more like a real closet, a permanent fixture in
the room that is your life. I am speaking of the peculiar problem of always
being both in and out of the closet at the same time. I know I have never seen
something all that exciting and beautiful in a single coming out moment simply because I cannot
see it ever being a single coming out moment: we might be out to ourselves long
before we ever come out to another; we might feel the need or the pressure to
come out to different circles, be they friends, family, colleagues, etc.,
despite having come out to others already. So long as you meet a new person,
you face the possibility of being pushed back into the closet and having to
reveal yourself yet again – a potentially endless cycle throughout your life. This
might not seem problematic to many, especially after having come out initially,
but the fact remains that one might never be able to remove the closet from our
rooms. Even the language can be misleading, suggesting the obvious inherent
good that comes with being out from a dark and confined space, and so coming
out of the closet should be desired, but coming out really means going in to
something else, namely society. To be out of the closet is to be part of the
real world, to finally be ‘in’, and not excluded. For many, being part of
society in this honest way results in being shunned and people no longer accept
you, thus we are ‘out’ once more. It seems to me that two things require
clarification: first is the fact that coming out can occur many times to many
different people but coming out to yourself is the greatest and most significant form of coming out; second is the fact that life is not necessarily so
beautiful upon coming out and the world you may wish to enter in escaping the
closet might not accept you in return or that perhaps only the LGBTQ
communities might provide the acceptance you want, and even this is not always
guaranteed. I am not trying to be depressing and grim, but merely acknowledging
that this is indeed a greater issue than so many people seem to believe.
Of course, part of the problem is the
battle of that which is seen versus that which is unseen. I don’t need to
inform people of my height or the colour of my skin, so these things are never
issues in the same way as those things not immediately obvious to others, such
as my personal beliefs or my orientation. Whether people like it or not, they
can tell my height and colour before engaging with me, and so there is never a
need to reveal these truths about myself (at least not in person). Consequently,
these things which are seen do not cause me angst in the same way as those
things which are unseen since it is impossible to feel as if I am being
deceptive by withholding this information from everyone. In truth, when it
comes to those attributes that are seen, I cannot claim to own this information
at all because it is directly observable independent of language, independent of me, requiring no
decision, action or revelation on my part. I might possess these qualities but I
have no control over these things and I also have no control over other people
knowing these things. This is not true of those things which are unseen. When
decision and action are required in order for things to become known, a new
dynamic is created, one which carries implications of honesty and liberty
that can also bring with it pressures and fears. I am not suggesting that
people so easily allow fear and self-doubt to dominate the course of their
lives and their decisions, but of course very few people are likely to damn me
to hell for being a certain height…
So once more I ask: how do you feel when
someone asks whether you are out or not? Do you quickly and easily respond or
do you process all of the above points in a matter of a few moments and begin
to feel flustered as I do? For me, this question is like being asked what my
orientation is, as if there is a single simple response. It is like being
presented with a multiple choice test and reading only essay-type questions. I
live in the grey area, it seems. Nothing is ever so simple. When I bring things
down to a more personal level, I realise that (and you’ll have to pardon my
geekiness here) my relationship with The Closet exactly mimics Gollum’s relationship
with The One Ring: I love and hate it as I love and hate myself. At times it is
my greatest ally; other times it is my most formidable foe. Often I feel it
gives me the strength I need in life, but it weakens me all the while. If you’ll
indulge me, I’ll take the analogy even further: both The Closet and The One
Ring in their own ways render us invisible; both the closet and the ring
provide a sense of power and the feeling of ‘belonging’ despite being
different; both the closet and the ring are ultimately harmful for us in the
long run and destroy us the longer we use or embrace or cling to them. I know
that the closet is a space I regularly visit, having found a way to go back and
forth, depending on the people with whom I am interacting – some people know
while others do not. There are always reasons for this, and unfortunately some
come down to fear. There are people in my life I value greatly and despite the
esteem with which I hold them, I know that coming out to them will sever our
relationships. Of course it might be worth asking what genuine value those
relationships provide if they are indeed so flimsy, but blood is no easy thing
to shake, nor is culture. There is also the issue that coming out to people
means coming out as something – it is an announcement of who and what
you are, and that means attempting to define such a thing which, as evidenced
in my last post (re: Bisexuality: Blurring Boundaries, Brief Bridges or Blatant
Bullshit?), is no simple thing for me. More grey.
This brings me to my final point, namely
that I absolutely resent the notion of having to announce to anyone anything
about myself in order to be happy or fully realised or empowered or what have
you. Life should be more relaxed and comfortable, and people should discover
things about me as they engage with me, as they get to know me, without any
assumptions. Straight people do not announce their heterosexuality to their
peers or family or the world and yes, this is the ‘norm’ so there is no
revelation involved, but I feel true equality means not having to label my
differences and make them known to others. I am different to everyone else in
so many ways it might be uncountable, and so are you. We are all unique! We do
not list all our qualities that collectively make us who we are and then come
out to everyone with this information in a single speech that carries the
potential to define the course of our lives. Why do we do so with our
orientation? I have actually heard an answer to this, from a good friend of
mine who raised an interesting point: that a reason for – and result of –
coming out of the closet is to assimilate or incorporate one’s own sexual
identity with the rest of one’s greater identity, and with this comes the
realisation (and the consequent benefits) that orientation is but one aspect of
one’s identity as opposed to being the whole identity, separate and isolated
and complete. This realisation brings with it a greater self-awareness along
with an inner peace. I can see this. For some this might be true. For me,
however, this is not the case, in fact the opposite applies. As I mentioned in
an earlier post (re: The Definition of a Man), I have long battled with the
issues of my identity and came to the realisation long ago that my orientation is
but one aspect of many that together might help in defining the person I am. Instead
of assimilating my sexual identity with the rest of my identity, I see coming
out as focusing on this one aspect, seemingly irrelevant, and making an event
out of it, announcing it to the world as if it is the single greatest aspect of
my being. It involves drawing attention to something that should be trivial –
not to say orientation is trivial, but that single aspects are in themselves
trivial, and ultimately incomplete. A person’s identity can never be reduced to
one or even a small handful of attributes or qualities. I never single out
other facts about me and announce them at the dinner table (can you imagine: “Ahem,
excuse me everyone, I have to tell you that I’m a GEEK, and a reader, and an
art-lover, a gamer, a philosopher, etc.” It could go on and on and each one
seems as silly and unnecessary as the last). Moreover, I never have other facts
about the person I am cause me such inner turmoil, nor do I begin to doubt them
after keeping them hidden for so long. Ideally, the coming out process should
be disregarded, unnecessary and even discouraged, as I believe it forces one to
define identity on a single attribute instead of truly embracing the whole. What
others see as liberating I see as limiting. Still, to attempt to answer the
question in a moderately satisfactory manner, I will say that I am out to some,
not out to others. Without active decision or announcements, I am out to yet a
few more and despite other announcements, my coming out is denied or ignored by
a few. Why can’t anything just be a yes or no for me?