My Father's Failure

In my last post, The Definition of a Man, I discussed some of the issues I have been dealing with, ultimately coming to terms with the fact that, personally, my biggest problem comes down to my issues with my family, and how I know certain things to be true but struggle to accept those things in myself due to the way I was taught to view myself. Anyway, though I didn't really see the post going in that direction, honesty is paramount and I went where the heart led me. After reading it again, I was reminded of a poem I wrote a few years ago that dealt with very similar issues to that post, so I thought I would share it. I am not the greatest poet, often using direct language as opposed to too much abstract language or visual imagery. I do not write poems to express myself - I can articulate my issues well enough in speech or the written word. I write poems to help me deal with emotional issues I am going through, so hopefully I won't get too much heat for this if it is a little dull and boring.


So here goes - I hope you like it:




My Father's Failure


when I was just a little boy
my father told me what to be
for I was born a man - what joy!
and so he had such plans for me


those sports I had to like and play
a love for cars an added plus
but girls would mean the most one day
and nothing would mean more to us


as if that hadn't been enough
those things my life was all about
what really proved to be so tough:
the things I had to do without


my feelings were what made me weak
there were so many to deny
and let no tear fall down my cheek
for real men never need to cry


from early on it made no sense
I never understood his plan
so there I was, depressed and tense
why couldn't I just be a man?


as time went by, he watched me grow
I'd bend his rules; we'd grow apart
G_D help me if I broke one though
for that would truly break his heart


so he was right; I dare not stray
the Maker said so after all
I couldn't understand the way
He'd set me up to watch me fall


although I've never said aloud
the thing he knows but won't admit
he's told me that he won't feel proud
of lifestyles that he can't permit


and so I tried to live the lie
but it was always just a front
and now the truth I can't deny:
"I'll never be the son you want"


more time's gone by; we never speak
he sees our hearts as sturdy stones
of course no tear will touch his cheek
for broken boys with brittle bones


those rules of his; that's all I've got
no love remains; no treasures kept
so all I am is what I'm not:
the man who failed; the man who wept