My Father's Failure

In my last post, The Definition of a Man, I discussed some of the issues I have been dealing with, ultimately coming to terms with the fact that, personally, my biggest problem comes down to my issues with my family, and how I know certain things to be true but struggle to accept those things in myself due to the way I was taught to view myself. Anyway, though I didn't really see the post going in that direction, honesty is paramount and I went where the heart led me. After reading it again, I was reminded of a poem I wrote a few years ago that dealt with very similar issues to that post, so I thought I would share it. I am not the greatest poet, often using direct language as opposed to too much abstract language or visual imagery. I do not write poems to express myself - I can articulate my issues well enough in speech or the written word. I write poems to help me deal with emotional issues I am going through, so hopefully I won't get too much heat for this if it is a little dull and boring.


So here goes - I hope you like it:




My Father's Failure


when I was just a little boy
my father told me what to be
for I was born a man - what joy!
and so he had such plans for me


those sports I had to like and play
a love for cars an added plus
but girls would mean the most one day
and nothing would mean more to us


as if that hadn't been enough
those things my life was all about
what really proved to be so tough:
the things I had to do without


my feelings were what made me weak
there were so many to deny
and let no tear fall down my cheek
for real men never need to cry


from early on it made no sense
I never understood his plan
so there I was, depressed and tense
why couldn't I just be a man?


as time went by, he watched me grow
I'd bend his rules; we'd grow apart
G_D help me if I broke one though
for that would truly break his heart


so he was right; I dare not stray
the Maker said so after all
I couldn't understand the way
He'd set me up to watch me fall


although I've never said aloud
the thing he knows but won't admit
he's told me that he won't feel proud
of lifestyles that he can't permit


and so I tried to live the lie
but it was always just a front
and now the truth I can't deny:
"I'll never be the son you want"


more time's gone by; we never speak
he sees our hearts as sturdy stones
of course no tear will touch his cheek
for broken boys with brittle bones


those rules of his; that's all I've got
no love remains; no treasures kept
so all I am is what I'm not:
the man who failed; the man who wept

The Definition of a Man

What does it mean to be gay? Perhaps this is an easy question for some, but for others, not so much.  My own personal sense of identity does not start and end with my being gay, so I don't think this is such a simple question. Moreover, I think it often requires one to also consider what it means to be a man. While I know many people choose to stay in the closet because of fear, because of persecution, because of shame, I suspect that many people choose to stay in the closet simply because the world beyond it is not as appealing as one might think. There are so many different types of gay men out there and the truth is that only a few 'types' have been made visible over the years, to the extent that stereotypes have formed, and everyone knows how harmful stereotypes can be. I believe that many people, much like myself, desire a community to which they can feel they belong, but when they are exposed to only certain types of gay men, they might end up wondering whether that really is the community for them. It is not sufficient and certainly not all that liberating and empowering to be placed within the single category of 'Gay Men'. I'm gay and I'm a guy, so why do I feel as if I don't belong? This is because of the diversity within that single category, that for the most part has not been exposed and thus many people are unfamiliar with it. Embracing that category brings with it a possible pressure to embrace something that in truth is not who you are, even though at first glance it seems otherwise. "Well, of course I'm a gay man so this has to be the group for me, right?" Is it really that simple? What about those who don't or can't connect with the others already in that group? We might already feel as if we don't necessarily fit in the straight community, and how many people like myself have felt as if they don't really fit in the gay community either? This is the problem: it's not simply about being gay; it's also about the man that you are. As I mentioned before, I don't define myself as simply gay; instead I see my being gay as just one of the many aspects that contribute to the man that I am. So how then does one define what it means to be a man? 

I've attempted this discussion before, unfortunately always with the wrong audience perhaps, namely straight men. They are men too, of course, but I suspect the gay man deals with this concept in a fundamentally different way. Gay men, in virtue of the fact that they are attracted to men, and are men themselves, deal with the unique issue of perhaps attempting to live up to that which they desire. I am not speaking of narcissism, of course, but rather the dilemma a man might face with being a man and being attracted to a certain type of man, perhaps a type similar to himself or one far removed from the type of man that he himself is. Consider the man attracted to different types: does he strive to achieve that concept within himself, or accept himself as something 'other' and merely desire it as something different? Gay men are confronted, even assaulted, with the notion of masculinity from an early age, and are forced to deal with the concept in ways that many straight men will never know or perhaps even understand. 

Words like 'macho', 'butch', 'manly', and of course 'masculine', and also to a lesser extent others like 'dominant' and 'tough' always seem to pop up, but do any of them have any real set definition? Are those definitions not in fact largely personal? We might be tempted to regard concepts of toughness and/or dominance with some simplicity, but to what aspects of one's life do they apply? Are they limited to the bedroom or the boardroom, or do they extend to all aspects of a person's character? Does a man need bulging biceps to be macho, or simply an assertive and aggressive disposition? Does one need to be a body-builder to be butch, and if so then can he also be sensitive? Can the emotional man also be considered manly? When confronted with terms like 'sensitive', 'emotional', 'affectionate', 'sweet', and so on, do those earlier terms lose their significance? Are these concepts incompatible? Obviously I suspect that many people would think not, that many of these ideas can indeed coexist within a person, but can we ignore how others react, how they seem to feel threatened when witnessing such things? Obviously they have a different idea of what it means to be a man.

So what does it mean to you? 

At the end of the day, I think each man will have his own idea of what it means to be a man as well as his own definition of what masculinity entails. I would hope that most people would define masculinity based on aspects less physical and more fundamental, aspects crucial to one’s character. I know for me, such aspects include: honour; trustworthiness; confidence; courage; honesty; compassion; the ability to follow through on your word along with the belief that your word always matters; and also a genuine desire to treat others well, or at least as well as you wish to be treated yourself. These are qualities that I feel are essential to being a man or at the very least a good man. But hang on, some people might suggest that such qualities are not limited to men, and are in fact qualities that would comprise any decent human. Well, that’s the point, isn’t it? Do we really live in an age where people believe that the things which make one person a good man could never be considered to be the same things that make a good woman? Can the gay man not be defined by the same criteria that the straight man might use? I think the real issue is that we are all people, regardless of sex, gender, orientation, colour, religion, etc. Why live in a world where our differences limit the manner in which we define ourselves? I know I do not conform to a conventional notion of what a straight man might be, nor do I conform to a conventional notion of what a gay man might be, but that in no way denies me my identity. Instead, I can develop my own idea of masculinity and conform to that, something true and honest about myself that allows me to be all that I am.

Perhaps one of the greater problems is that masculinity specifically is so regularly associated with muscles. Of course you can be a man and not muscular but then you are not a very masculine man. Likewise, if you are a muscular woman, you can be robbed of your femininity and seen as masculine based simply on your physical appearance. Is this an accurate and more importantly a fair manner to determine one’s sense of masculinity? I am not especially muscular, and so accepting this argument is not something I can easily do, for I wish to retain a sense of masculinity regardless of my physique. What of all those types of men that are not sporty, perhaps more geeky, and with less physical stature? It seems to me they are often regarded as being less masculine. What about the many gay men out there with incredibly muscular bodies? I am curious to know how those smaller straight men and those muscular gay men hold up to these strict codes of masculinity. Well, many people have told me that a gay man, in virtue of the fact that he is gay, simply cannot be masculine, and this is where things get really depressing. I have discovered that, for so many people, the concept of masculinity and perhaps even the very definition of a man necessarily involves being heterosexual. Ouch. Perhaps this is why so many gay men have such identity crises: not being heterosexual and yet still trying to be a man in a world that regards these two concepts as being undeniably related can be pretty tough to say the least. This is perhaps my problem. Am I unable to embrace my manhood because I cannot embrace heterosexuality?

There are other issues involved too, though. The gay culture that has been exposed to me does not consist of what people might consider regular for men, but rather entails fashion, dancing, pop and/or dance music, and many similar interests. There is nothing wrong with any of these, of course, but a failure to connect on these levels leaves many gay men feeling isolated. These things have freely been claimed by (but not exclusively limited to) gay men in a way that has been embraced beautifully but now is associated with gay culture. That gay culture, though wonderful in many ways, is not regarded as masculine either. This contributes to the feelings that any gay man might have about being robbed of his masculinity. He can embrace this gay culture and no longer be regarded as masculine, or he can ignore it but, as noted before, in virtue of his being gay, is still not regarded as masculine. To embrace popular gay culture or not, a man should never have to compromise his sense of masculinity, and I would argue that those men who have always appeared more feminine, whether through their fashion sense, lack of muscles, higher voices, etc. are likely to have a more resolute notion of what masculinity entails, for those are the people who have always had to deal with it, who have had it questioned from a young age, who have had to prove themselves time and again to their peers and their family and so on. Their concept of masculinity might vary greatly from a straight man’s concept, but that in no way suggests it is any less valuable or less real.

Personally, I do not relate to popular gay culture, for I am not the biggest fan of pop music, I don’t enjoy dancing, I don’t engage in girl talk; but I am also not particularly sporty, I am not especially muscular and certainly can be emotionally involved in some things. My passion and lack of physical prowess should in no way deny me my sense of masculinity. So why does it? Conceptually, I know what it means to be a man. I know also what kind of man I am. However, I hit a wall when I look at myself through the eyes of my family, the people with whom I grew up, with whom I spent all my time as I developed my personal sense of identity. My family is my problem. My family, with their rigid rules and ideals, pressured me always to be something else, and whenever I strayed from those notions of theirs, relationships deteriorated. I realise now that I need to remove myself from this, and expose myself to a different, kinder, gentler, more loving point of view, and the sad truth is that this will not come from the people with whom I share blood. It will come from the people with whom I share love. I have learned that these are not always one and the same.

Being a man means having the strength to see yourself for everything you are, and living the life that you need to live, regardless of what others want and expect, regardless of how difficult it might be; it means overcoming fears and accepting not just others and their views, despite how painful and wrong they might appear, but also your own, despite how painful and wrong they might appear as well.

I am a man.

My First Post

So this is my very first post on my very first blog site. I have never done this before, but I realised it was time. I recently came to the realisation that I am not connected, in any way, to the people with whom I need to be connected. I have been dealing with issues of my sexuality and my identity for far too long now and have had no guidance from or even exposure to the type of people that might be able to relate to me.

Obviously, before I continue, please let me suggest that if you are a homophobe, then you might think about leaving now - I doubt this would interest you.

My goal with this blog is to get a dialogue going about all the things that amount to being gay in the hopes of coming to a better understanding of who I am. Believe it or not, I have not known many openly gay people and the few I have known have, for the most part, tainted my own personal image of what it means to be gay. I recently found something online that counteracted this, namely a gay family that showed me a better side to the world I need to know. My current situation prevents me from really exploring these things where I am and so I turn to you. I think perhaps I could embrace life in a different way if I could talk about all the things for which I do not currently have an outlet.

So let me start with a request: I would be so very grateful to anyone and everyone who would be willing to tell me when and how you first knew you were gay, and what being gay really means to you. Was the realisation a difficult one, or were you able to embrace it easily? While I realise many people have families that might accept them or shun them, or reluctantly and begrudgingly come to terms with them, I am more interested at this time in how it felt for you to accept being gay yourself. Were you ashamed or proud? How does one embrace that gay pride when a life of negative conditioning prevents you from seeing something beautiful in it? (This is not to suggest I do not see other gay people as beautiful - strangely this only applies to myself. Urgh...)

Oh, and please feel free to ask any questions and share any or all your thoughts. Ultimately, my endgame is to connect with people, meet people, make friends, debate, share ideas, build a community of people to know and love. Corny, but true and sincere, I assure you.  Thank you,


J