So this is my very first post on my very first blog site. I have never done this before, but I realised it was time. I recently came to the realisation that I am not connected, in any way, to the people with whom I need to be connected. I have been dealing with issues of my sexuality and my identity for far too long now and have had no guidance from or even exposure to the type of people that might be able to relate to me.
Obviously, before I continue, please let me suggest that if you are a homophobe, then you might think about leaving now - I doubt this would interest you.
My goal with this blog is to get a dialogue going about all the things that amount to being gay in the hopes of coming to a better understanding of who I am. Believe it or not, I have not known many openly gay people and the few I have known have, for the most part, tainted my own personal image of what it means to be gay. I recently found something online that counteracted this, namely a gay family that showed me a better side to the world I need to know. My current situation prevents me from really exploring these things where I am and so I turn to you. I think perhaps I could embrace life in a different way if I could talk about all the things for which I do not currently have an outlet.
So let me start with a request: I would be so very grateful to anyone and everyone who would be willing to tell me when and how you first knew you were gay, and what being gay really means to you. Was the realisation a difficult one, or were you able to embrace it easily? While I realise many people have families that might accept them or shun them, or reluctantly and begrudgingly come to terms with them, I am more interested at this time in how it felt for you to accept being gay yourself. Were you ashamed or proud? How does one embrace that gay pride when a life of negative conditioning prevents you from seeing something beautiful in it? (This is not to suggest I do not see other gay people as beautiful - strangely this only applies to myself. Urgh...)
Oh, and please feel free to ask any questions and share any or all your thoughts. Ultimately, my endgame is to connect with people, meet people, make friends, debate, share ideas, build a community of people to know and love. Corny, but true and sincere, I assure you. Thank you,
J
Oustanding posts...your poem incredibly touching and yet powerful. Also enjoyed your definiyion of a man post. I would like to open that dialogue and share....i warn you i can get wordy! More to follow later today.
ReplyDeleteGreat! The 'wordier' the better. Would love to hear your views.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the kind words. Glad you liked the poem.
Havent forgotten you....a bit under the weath yesterday...
ReplyDeleteSo J….here goes. hope none of what I say shocks you…nothing graphic, just the real thing….and I hope it helps in some way.
ReplyDeleteI will try and answer all of your questions to start ..sound okay? so when did I first know I was gay…probably like 7th or 8th grade which is what…around 13 or 14. “experimented” with a friend (who is as it turns out gay also). then around 16, was the start of when I buried it deep inside myself, didn’t really think of it as wrong, just that I really didn’t have any gay role models and had been bullied in school for not being athletic, etc and just didn’t want to give kids another reason to pick on me….So I felt I was the only one in high school that was gay and so I felt I needed to hide. so I put it deep within me. Off to college I go and begin to live the hetero life always knowing I was gay…and eyeing and envying those who were out. Then I proceed to get married. Yup. I knew on my wedding nite that I just made the biggest mistake of my life and kinda ceased to exist. For a lot of years…finally, my then wife asked for a divorce (not because I was gay) but because I had lost my job in the downturn and she didn’t really want to work. Shortly thereafter I came out. To my parents (in their 70s) and to my son and daughter. I was very fortunate, total acceptance. My daughter is probably one of my best friends today. They love and get along with my partner.
so how did I accept being gay, enough to come out then? You see I always thought and still do that being gay is ONLY a part of who I am. I truly believe God made me this way - just like he gave me brown hair and brown eyes, he made me gay. I see myself as a man who is gay, not a gay man. To me there is a difference. I am a father, son, brother, friend, boss, coworker, partner, procrastinator (lol) who is gay.
part 2
ReplyDeletethe other thing I learned coming out, is that people that to people who really knew and liked me, it didn’t change who I was. they go to know me as a human being first and gay second. Hope that makes sense.
How do I embrace gay pride? You should know, I think the media has done our community a disservice especially telelvision. so when you have gay pride parade shown…what do they show? floats of drag queens and guys in leather speedos. So that is pretty much all society has seen of gay community…do they see the loving couples who have been together for 30 years? the gay family with two adopted kids that no one else wanted? nope they see stereotypes. I do also believe gay comm has perpetuated this to some degree also. I would love to see a gay pride parade with no drag queens, hot men in speedos, etc. (not that I am opposed to hot mens in speedos!!). We need to change the views of society…enough on my soapbox.
I embrace it by always trying to be me. First I think we have to love and accept ourselves as human beings….then take on the “gay” thing….sometimes I have found it is a bigger thing to us than to those around us. Again, it is because of the negativism we were given growing up. I believe in the beauty of each of us…you said in your bio you like to read…so for me there is a connection. I love to read. typically have 4-5 books open on my kindle at any given time. I would like to talk as reader to reader. so we are both gay? most likely our taste in men is different. same for two straight guys playin pool….one likes girls with big tits and the other likes long legs…I think you get my point?
I wonder if you are still reading this…hmmmm. I hope so. so there is a start to some of your questions….more to follow if you would like or you can just say get lost.
some facts about me:
partnered for 7 years with an incredible man
work in a corp environment responsible for training development
live in Michigan, a very conservative state
have two children, boy and girl
am very passionate about stopping homophobic bullying - I put a few videos on you tube…take a look if you promise not to laugh….http://www.youtube.com/user/dmp2860?feature=mhee#p/u/4/9kBqLs5a_mw
if link doesn’t work, search dmp2860.
now you… are you out? partner? struggles?
Wow, thank you so much for the detailed response. I can't tell you how much I appreciate it. Sharing my ideas is good for me but it doesn't mean a great deal unless people reciprocate, and I am even more interested in what others think about my ideas. It means more to me to discuss these things in a dialogue as opposed to just rambling into the abyss that is the open internet.
ReplyDeleteNothing you wrote offended me - I appreciate your honesty. I checked out your videos and your story is rather inspiring. I think you carry a very special message that it is never too late. I think a lot of the support is targeted towards the youth and of course the youth require guidance more than anyone, but it is nice to know that people beyond their teens or early twenties can also be supported/guided/inspired. Thank you for sharing your story with the world.
I understand exactly what you mean about those who know the person you are - who you are as a person instead of who you are as a gay person. Gay is just one aspect of many. I suppose a problem I have had is that many people close to me, family included, see sexuality as more than just an aspect but rather as a core fundamental part of your being, and not being okay with it they can not be okay with me. Others who give it less weight tend to regard it as a choice and thus equate my embracing my sexuality as something that redefines their opinions of me, simply because they struggle to comprehend why I would 'hurt' or offend them in this way, voluntarily no less. Sigh.
Of course I have tried to find a greater love for myself since I have had less than the greatest luck in finding it in others, but this has proved to be difficult for me too, partly because of the disservice done by the media which you mentioned. I see absolutely nothing wrong with the drag queens and the leather-clad speedo men, but I simply do not identify with them. I feel a void of sorts, an emptiness, as if this community has no place for me. Of course, I am not so naive as to think that this is all the community entails, but without any real exposure to anything else, that empty feeling remains. I need something tangible in a way, something more real, which in part is why I started this blog/dialogue.
To answer your questions, I am not completely out, and by that I mean I am out to some of my friends but not others, I am out to some of my family members and not others, and I am trapped in a state of limbo when it comes to my closest friends and family, since they suspect or know to some degree but choose not to accept it, and my not discussing it perpetuates this problem. I will go into this issue in my next post, I suspect. No partners. Plenty of struggles - they will all be elaborated on in great detail over the course of many posts, no doubt.
Thanks again for your comments and input - really great to share. I don't see myself ever telling you to get lost. ;) Oh, and I almost always have several books open at any given time on my kindle too. Nice to meet you, friend.
Oh...we have so much in common! More coming later today, gotta head to the office! What time zone are you in? What kind of books do you enjoy?
ReplyDeleteI suspect it would be easier to keep in touch some other way, instead of always commenting here on my blog. Are you on Google+ or have an e-mail address I could use to contact you?
ReplyDeleteSigning on to google+ this eve. Here is email:
ReplyDeleteDmpimental@Gmail.com