Current Quote:

"Perhaps, in the extravagance of youth, we give away our devotions easily and all but arbitrarily, on the mistaken assumption that we'll always have more to give."

- 'A Home at the End of the World'
Michael Cunningham

Friday, December 02, 2011

Bisexuality: Blurring Boundaries, Brief Bridges or Blatant Bullshit?

I had intended to write something different for this post, but it seemed that this topic kept coming up in my mind and I felt the need to discuss it first - perhaps get it out of the way - in order to move on to some of my other concerns. I think ultimately the majority of my issues or matters that I wish to discuss come down to the very complicated notion of ‘identity’ and this topic is probably more significant in those regards. So let’s discuss bisexuality: obviously I do not advocate that the concept is bullshit or just a bridge of sorts; the title only serves to demonstrate some of the view points that others have offered before. There are, of course, many ways in which bisexuality is seen and it seems so strange to me that so many straight people (and even gay people) are very quick to disregard it as even being real. In my personal experience, I have heard people tell me that it is a ‘phase’, usually one experienced when being open-minded and experimenting sexually or when one is trying to come to terms with his/her homosexuality.

I think a lot of people have a real and profound problem with the idea that a single person can genuinely desire people from both sexes – it’s the typical black/white dichotomy where the grey area is so feared and/or misunderstood that others struggle to comprehend and thus accept it. As such, explanations are proposed that ultimately rationalise bisexuality in a way that renders it almost non-existent. For any person who identifies as being bisexual, is that not the ultimate offense? A very aspect of one’s identity is being denied as being real.

There are many arguments against the validity of bisexuality. I mentioned already that some people regard it as a phase, and indeed I know that many gay people will initially identify as being bisexual, perhaps out of confusion or perhaps as a desperate attempt to cling to some form of heterosexuality during their discovery of their homosexuality. While this process is difficult and easily understandable, it should in no way diminish the very real dual desires of those people who genuinely identify as bisexual. It is a mistake to generalise the experiences of those people and conclude that all people who identify as bisexual are thus simply confused or ultimately on their way to being gay. This view of bisexuality as a bridge to a more ‘complete’ form of sexual orientation ignores the very real aspect of identity not being so clear-cut and simple. This seems to me to be that inability of so many to accept the grey area that bisexuality represents and rather attempts are made to box it in a black or white category that makes it more easily understood and thus accepted.

Also, I have heard people claim that bisexuality is just ‘the easy way out’, which is to say that those not comfortable with completely coming out of the closet opt instead for bisexuality because it is easier to do so. Um, I’m not so sure what’s going through the minds of those people who make these claims, because it seems pretty clear to me that embracing any orientation that is not straight can prove to be difficult in most societies today. I know that those people who identify as bisexual are not in any way avoiding the persecution and judgement and hatred experienced by those who identify as gay. In fact, I have heard many accounts of bisexual people who feel even more isolated and ignored and discriminated against because they are so misunderstood, and not simply by the straight majority but also by many of the people who claim to be of their community, namely gays and lesbians.

While I know there to be many non-believers of bisexuality, I also know there to be many people who still insist that any orientation is a choice, so I have no real problem disregarding their arguments and realising that all it really amounts to is that failure to accept anything other than their rigid notions of identity. Bisexuality may be used as a bridge for some; might be regarded as a phase for others; but still it is a very real and very legitimate part of identity for many, many people. Instead of focusing too much on the arguments attempting to disregard it altogether, I’m much more concerned with what those who do regard it actually regard it as. Like any term related to gender and/or sex and/or identity, I don’t think there is one simple, set, agreed-upon definition, and while some believe it to be exclusively related to sexual desire, I believe it is so much more than that. Orientation is not limited to simple attraction, is it? Do we not consider relationships, lifestyles, intimacy, companionship, etc. as well when we talk of homosexuality? Why should it be any different for bisexuality? I have heard many accounts of men who cannot see themselves in a long-term relationship with a man but would like to be affectionate and physically intimate with one. I have heard of women who can have loving relationships with both sexes but feel no physical attraction with one. Are these not cases of bisexuality?

I think some people choose to regard bisexuality as a form of greed or simply indecisiveness. “Well, you do not know which you prefer, so you choose both.” This contributes to the misconceptions about bisexuality and more importantly it fails to realise that attraction as well as orientation is not limited to one simple thing, like another sex. People are not choosing both because they want it all, but rather because they feel a genuine desire for both. Moreover, we need to acknowledge the spectrum that orientation really entails. Another misconception about bisexuality is that it is an even or balanced desire towards both men and women, and this is perhaps where I have my greatest difficulties personally. While some might more easily accept that people could be more 60/40 than a balanced 50/50 in terms of desire, I think people begin to struggle with this idea when the percentages become significantly different. Consider someone who identifies as maybe 90/10, or even 95/5, which is to say that for the most part they feel largely attracted to one sex but also, even though only in some small capacity, they desire people of the other sex as well. It seems clear to me that these people in particular experience many of the previously mentioned arguments, simply because that small percentage is so small that it is easy for others to disregard. I suspect that the bisexual individual would disagree, and attempt to maintain that dual desire, regardless of the seeming ‘imbalance’. Is there always a simple balance to desire? And what of the younger person who only feels some slight desire for one sex and a much greater desire for another? This inability to embrace bisexuality so easily, especially in these seemingly more complicated situations, only causes greater confusion and often even greater turmoil as one might feel pressured to embrace only one orientation. Since there is no real choice involved in orientation, how does this poor soul deal with notions of identity and pride in the long term, after possibly being bullied, in a way, to embrace only part of what s/he is?

I know many straight people that think about or at least would be willing to sexually engage with members of the same sex and I believe many gay and lesbian people would acknowledge that there might be at least some small desire for people of the opposite sex. Of course, I realise there are many people who do not exist on the continuum, and are exclusively gay or straight, but I do believe that there are many people who do not feel this way, and this is, in its way, a form of bisexuality.

Okay, all of that being said, let me bring things down to a more personal level. Why is any of this important or relevant to me? Well, I recall from a ridiculously young age, I identified as bisexual, though admittedly I never knew a great deal about it. I was still in single digits in terms of age and my mother misconstrued (or rather correctly realised as it turned out) my mannerisms and interests as being gay and called me on it. She explained to me that what I liked was gay and, likely concerned that this was the case, she perhaps hoped that it was just a 'phase' of sorts and so she informed me that maybe I could like both styles of living and that was known as being bisexual. I think she believed that adopting this label would prevent me from fully realising anything 'gay' in what I was doing and would also be easier to discard at some later stage, what with bisexuality not being some real or permanent thing in her view. In retrospect, I am disgusted by what she told me and how she convinced me to embrace a label I never understood and one she never fully explained only to appease her ridiculous concerns. The crazy part is it never came down to sex or attraction at all. As I grew older, I came to recognise my desire for men but I was never repulsed by women and, as my family made it clearer and clearer how they felt about homosexuality, it was never something I wanted to embrace. So I didn’t. At first I ignored men altogether and tried not to look or notice them. I got involved in many relationships with women and this is where everything went wrong, because while I know I was never as attracted to women as I have always been to men, when placed in that situation, I found myself indeed very attracted to them. I was able to experience many relationships with women, all of which I enjoyed. Coupled with the pressures of my family, this lifestyle seemed like the right one, and the one I had to embrace. What further complicated things for me was that I fell in love… with a woman. When that happened, all my ideas about myself shot to hell, and I entered an entirely new state of confusion.

That love I felt was genuine; it heightened my attraction for her and made me think about others, men and women, a lot less. So I started questioning myself in new ways, trying to find a model that could fit. I spent a long time convincing myself that I was not so much attracted to men as I was attracted to the prototypical male form, since the type of man I desired was the larger more muscular frame that I never possessed. As more time passed, I came to realise of course that it was more than a type of body I wanted to have for myself, but rather something that I craved in a different way. But how do you view your homosexual desires and your heterosexual loving relationship as being compatible? Well, the obvious answer would be to regard myself as bisexual. This was never something I found easy to do. Though it indeed shames me to admit, I personally regarded bisexuality as an option for me to be a form of ‘fence-sitting’, a way for me to cop-out and not deal with the hard decision I felt I was facing. My family maintained many of those views about bisexuality: that it was indecision; that it was greed; that it wasn’t really real. My greatest challenges have always been the attempts to view myself in a way that differs from my family. Their attitudes seeped into me like varnish on wood and I’m covered in this layer of their misinformed opinions that so often seems impossible to remove.

Ultimately, I experienced tremendous heartache when that relationship and another serious one after it (also with a woman) ended and consequently I developed a strong sense of cynicism toward love and relationships in general and no longer look at most women in the same way I used to when considering relationships and a future with another person. Also, having always pursued relationships with women, I find myself lacking any significant experience with men to determine greater and more resolute ideas of my own homosexuality. As it stands, I feel drawn to men in a strong way, both physical and emotional, whereas I don’t feel that way towards women any longer, certainly not on that emotional more intimate level. So is it still as easy to just embrace bisexuality? My personal percentages currently stand in such figures that appear heavily outbalanced in favour of men. This makes me feel inclined to rather simply embrace homosexuality at this time. Is that crazy? More than anything, I am reminded of my hatred for labels and while I struggle to decide whether to define myself as gay or bi, I would much rather feel more comfortable simply defining myself as not being straight.

So there it is. Am I foolish for still feeling confused? Can orientation be as fluid as love and other emotions, or am I still stuck in my family’s trap, unable to accept and see something so obvious and clear? I suspect that more experience with men, not just sexually but in all aspects, would rather significantly help me come to terms with my problems, but that’s not happening any time too soon where I am now, so I appeal to you. Any advice, opinions, counter arguments, similar experiences, anything really, would be very helpful and much appreciated. Thanks.

10 comments:

  1. I'm sorry I don't have anything at all wise to add to this - but I just wanted to say this post is really making me think, so thank you for that.

    Anne
    xxx

    ReplyDelete
  2. Well, Anne, thank you for your comment. I'm glad it got you thinking. Do feel free to express those thoughts at any time.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Awesome post. Really got me to thinking. I think it would be so completely freeing to have a sexuality that was as fluid as water. I envy people that ability.

    I have a friend that tell me he is bi. He lives with a women and has a child with her. In the seven years I've known him, I've never known him to show one iota of interest in men yet I see him flirt with women quite often. I often wonder if being bi for him just means that he'd let a guy blow him. I don't call that bi. I just call that horny.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Haha - I think I agree with you, Adventures. I would call that horny too. I suspect that there's a difference between being bi and not being repulsed or turned off or what have you. If someone is willing to allow someone else of the same sex to do something sexual to them, I do not necessarily believe that to be a case of bisexuality. Other people might disagree and I'd be interested to know if they do. You should talk to this friend of yours and find out exactly what it is that makes him identify as bi.

    As for your other comment, I do not know so much that I agree with your sentiment regarding the liberty that you feel would come with fluid sexuality, at least not in this world as we know it. I think for many, such as myself, these feelings can often cause more confusion and conflict than anything else. If absolutely everyone experienced sexuality in a fluid manner, however, well that would be a different story. I think if sexuality were indeed completely fluid for everyone then it wouldn't be a problem as it so often is for me and would definitely be as freeing as you suggest.

    Thanks for the comments.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Wow. Just finished your email. And now this blog! You are going to be getting two loooooong emails. I want you to know how an articulate and passionate writer you are! What a talent. Emails coming soon.

    ReplyDelete
  6. You flatter me, dmp. Thanks for the sweet words. I look forward to your e-mails.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Wow. I identify as bisexual, but that's a label I gave myself, not one I was encouraged to take on by anybody else. I've loved both men and women and am physically attracted to both genders. As a mom I'm so disappointed by the way it sounds like your mother handled things and the confusion it sounds like it added for you. Sexuality is complicated enough. I think what's important is the label you choose to give yourself. And if you're not sure yet, or not ready to have one then that's fine for now. Eventually you realized labels are just words and sometimes they're just placeholders. What was true about my sexuality 10 or even 5 years ago is not true today. We grow and learn about ourselves as we age. That's fine. Give yourself permission to still be confused for now if you still are. :)

    ReplyDelete
  8. Thank you for your encouraging words, Ellis. Though it might seem a bit corny, it is so nice to have someone say something like that to me. As I've dealt with these issues over the years, I have come to feel similarly, and also realise that labels ultimately only have as much power as we allow them to have, but still it is nice to have someone else remind me. I acknowledge the manner in which sexuality itself seems to change as we grow and develop and our emotional experiences expand and we consequently mature, but still I struggle, feeling as if I'm too old to still be confused over something as significant as my sexuality. Perhaps I need to accept this as perpetual development instead of looking at it as being confused. Thanks again.

    ReplyDelete
  9. You're so welcome, and I'm glad you found it helpful. :) I think it was Maya Angelou who said she didn't truly know herself until she was in her seventies. So yeah, cut yourself a break. ;) As you say, it's an ongoing process. I have friends who knew for sure they were gay from a young age and wouldn't sleep with a woman if you paid them good money to, but it isn't so cut and dried for everyone. If only it were, right?
    Feel free to drop me a line if you ever need a sounding board, sweetie. :)

    ReplyDelete
  10. Thanks again, Ellis. I rather like that Maya Angelou quote. I'd feel pretty lucky to call you a friend and will definitely drop you a line should I feel the need. Thank you so much.

    ReplyDelete